Camp Life

Where is my place?
I am at a job that can help my career.
But it doesn't come with the staff I want
Is this all a lesson that i am suppose to learn
What is a girl to do when she no long comes first in her life?
This job has taking away from my sanity and is just forcing me to live
not live as myself but just live in this world in order to survive.
I want to be men again, I worked so hard to accomplish myself
to feel proud of myself
and now one job has put me in an envirnoment
where I don't know where I am

ALONE

Here is the test you either past or fail
but do you ever past but still feel as if you failed. Well that is how i feel at the moment.
I feel like at times I have set my bar so high that my happiness can never be reached.

I notice that I like to be alone
because happiness isn't always something that was meant for me.
I fight myself but I never win.
Seems like I have still never define my soul therefore at times i do not know who I am

Things don't come easy for me
at times i sit and wonder do I deserve this.
What is my destiny because at times I feel that I will be miserable because
thats how i feel when I am alone.

Alone is what I feel
I feel like no one really knows me
even the people that is closes to me,
I feel like they don't try hard enough to get to know me

Alone is what I feel, even in a crowded room its just me ALONE

Look Up

Look up
Look up
its hard for a girl to raise her head
because she doesn't know how to walk with pride
she is afraid when she looks up
her father's fist will knock her right back down

Girls are scared to Look up these days
because their futures don't look bright.
They have to deal with
people at home who don't love them
people at school who don't understand them
people who just wanna bullying them.

Look up sweetie
Look up
its not easy to tell a girl it will get better
because you don't know that
no one knows her struggles
no one can protect her from her family

But can anyone be there to shine some light in her life?

Why do you perm your hair?

There is no place for a natural girl in a perm world

I remember my ex boyfriend asking me

Why do you perm your hair?

Idk, its just something black people do.

Its cold
Its white
It burns but
when its rinsed
I look a new born Puerto Rician Girl
You see thats what my type of women strive for
the feeling of knowing that the teeth on my comb will not break as I part it
The natural girl don't have to worry about their hair breaking off
because they colored it
I do
talk about making sure I have the best shampoo and conditioner
I make sure my hair is well greased
or my split ends will become apart of my outfit
all this work for Beauty??
All this work so that my hair will be easier to maintain
seem like I have to go through a longer process when my hair is permed
So now I ask myself

Why Do I perm my Hair?

She will love me

I need her because she will love me
I need her because she will never leave me
see you don't understand how hard it is to find love
love that will stick around
even though you may be using me
I am using you too
because she is all I want
all I desire
I can show her what to do in life
Me being young doesn't mean anything
I have all this love inside of me
I been waiting for 16 years to share it with someone
so why not her
she will love me
you wait and see
she will complete me
call me whatever you want
but she is who I desire
in 9 months I will have her.
Finally someone to love me....

What a big girl feels

Eeww look at that girl
What the hell is she wearing
She should not be having that on
Just because they make it in your size does not mean you should wear it.

You see comments like those about a big girl, I feel are directed to me as well.

NO No Fantashia that girl does not know how to wear her weight, you wear yours nicely.

So I am guessing on an off day these are the comments that I would have to watch out for as well. Seems like no one is concerned with how big girls feel. Seems like the main person pointing the finger is as big as the next girls. Funny that everyone wants to past judgment when no one was made perfect. Just because insecurities are not as visible does not mean you can judge. Seems like people want to put big girls on blast for everything. They cover up they wrong, they wear to little clothes they wrong. People want to point out a big girl's shape but that shit don't go away over night. Just how people with big foreheads have to deal with things so does big girls. Would you want someone to point out your forehead every time they see you. Understand big girls get heat from everyone try just letting shorty rock just this one time. It might make her day.

Which one?

What do you do when something you help built has become so casual. You don't
even recognize the friendship that is over taking the romance. You tried to put
the love back into it but u can't do it alone. You can't love alone and you
can't romanticism yourself and you can't bring it back to life yourself. Where did
the trying go. Where is the feeling of being proud to have me as a girlfriend.
Seems the idea of being close to me makes him nausea. Lets not mention the PDA
that is just forbidden. Don't do it, try n hold hands ends in a fake itch just
to have his hand released. Seems like the next convo that will happen is well I
think we should just be friends. Ummm what should be said to that when you see
it coming because the only romance that occurs is rough sex.... what about a
kiss, a hug any gesture of love. ... I say no to friends but what else do we got

Don't be selfish some relationship long to have the friendship you'll have.
The feeling of knowing that someone has you back that someone will be there for
you when you need them. Some relationship revolve only around themselves.
But yours has communication, understanding. Its just a shame that the communication
can not come full circle. Why can't both relationship be created as one strong movement.
Does the perfect relationship exist or are people fighting for a balance between love and friendship.