Dear Person I once called friend,

You are the backstabber I seen coming but never knew how lost you were. Never realized how much you lost yourself in college. I never realized how much you weren't the person I knew. Any women that would persuade a man because he was being faithful is a bitch and is not my friend. You are the type of girl who will open their legs for anyone but how dare you try and open them for him. For years I could not cut you off. But I do not support you. I do not trust you and I do not have love for you. Any women that tries to get my boyfriend in the sack is dead to me. You had a bet with your dirty friends over him. Days when you had no one you had me and you back stabbed me. Allowed others to talk about me when you were suppose to defend me as a friend. I release you from my life. For awhile I still held on to our friendship from our teenager years but all of that is gone. And I no longer need that in my life. I wish you the best of luck but I will not be supporting you.

sweetie

Sweetie I am sorry to tell you but your empty.

Looking for lust when there is none

All he can offer you is a stiff dick

Not confidence

Sweetie possibly you should seek a purpose

Because your chasing sperm and they have a short lifespan

Sweetie after he rolls off you

Are you accomplished?

Do you receive an award for continuing to be his black hole?

If you chased your own sense of self like you do men

Then you wouldn't feel bad

Every time he passes you in the hallway

Sweetie it is time you learned that you are your own superwoman

Discover how far you can fly once you get off your back

Sweetie your greatest assets are not between your legs but in your mind

In your strength to overcome

In your strength to change

Just me

Do not judge me for my name

Yes my name is Fantashia Shelic Hamilton

But it is my crown not to be confused with

GHETTO

Yes I am from Brooklyn

A borough people only read about what want to call it the hood

People look at me and judge but my accomplishment speaks for themselves

Yes I am a women with tattoos and a piercing

Does that make me unqualified to make a difference

You want to plaster me with fake labels

As if I cannot live up to greatest

I am a leader

Many doors have closed within my face but

Many doors have holes in them from me kicking them down

You may judge me

And believe that I am a product of my community

I will accept it because Brooklyn has birth me not to take any bullshit from anyway

To make a way when there is no way and continue to crawl even if you have been knocked down

I am not sorry for anything life has handed me

They are simply experiences that I have lived through

Which is why I am a

FIGHTER

Two and a half

Two and a Broken half

I am deeply sadden that something I helped build is not turning out to be what I would like it to be. I build an organization from my love sweat and tears and watched it turn into some type of sex organizations. There are enough things out there promoting sex education but not sexual assault awareness. The organization I so once loved is falling victim to being more concerned about numbers than the message it is being put out. I HAD faith in everyone that I voted to be on the E-board but has no one not spoken up towards these topics? I feel rather torn like how can I feel so harshly towards something I made. Probably because the message is no longer what I envisioned. It is only what makes everyone else happy, and not breaking down barriers like it should be.

I hear complaints about members that I voted for an it makes me sad. People I thought I could trust I left with the highest positions and those are the people that let me down. Traditions that we held like E-board grab bag, dinner and a movie, and Sexual Assault Awareness Conference were all cut out of the promote sex curriculum. I find myself sick to my stomach because this is what I did not want. I did not want a program I love, something symbolic to me to fall to ashes. Seems like all the members that we suppose to be executive were more concerned with the wrong agenda. I quiet hold my tongue as I am filled with regret for the organization that I so desperately love is being ripped apart.

Ramble

You have been amazing and then you are amazingly crazy I can not fall back and be who I use to be. I can not roll back into the 50s and be that quiet little housewife. The worst thing God may have done was give me a voice so that I can curse your sorry ass out. You have made me a great women but made me extremely crazy at the same time. I refresh to be a washed up women who is mad constantly over love. You are an asshole and that is not my fault. I will be a strong women and admit when I am hurt and baby you heart me. Shit you broke my heart and I am scared to ever love again but I can not allow you to continue to break. I will always carry around the scars you gave me. But I will let you go because you pain can no longer be my baggage I am a strong women and refuse to let you break me any further. Thank you for the love you have shared with me but that is no longer what I require from you to survive.

Fight.... Because

Fight against love
because love is not for you
Fight the tears running from your eyes
because once you start you wouldnt be able to stop
Fight back because you tried
you gave your heart to wrong guy
No you gave your heart to the right guy at the wrong
Fight because you can't have him
because he is married to life
Just dream about the memories of being with him
Fell free to daydream because things will never be the same again
Fight against his charm
because he can't charm his heart in wanting you to be his girlfriend
Fight to restore your heart
because real love will not leave you in pieces



“Love that we can not have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest...”

My Prayer to my dad

Six children later can you say you have done right by us. I pray that you find love to accept and love all your children openly. I pray that you learn that your children are not a hobby but human beings that survive on love. I pray that they love enough to take care of you when you get old. I pray that you have been around your other two daughters enough that they would want you to walk them down the isle. Because I prefer the women that raised me. I pray you wake up crying for me as I use to do for you. I pray you change for the sake of your children that do not already hate you. I pray that you are capable to love your children like you have love countless women before. I pray for change, I pray you change. I forgive you for abandoning your first born because of a fight you had with my mother. Nothing should keep you away from your children. I pray your pride subsides so that you can be vulnerable enough to show your children that you love them. I pray you stop being a punk and put your children number one in your life. I pray you have much success in your life because you do not need to be a failure at anything else. I pray you learn to hug and kiss your children. I pray you learn that your children are not trophies but people, you can not claim their accomplishments if you had no help with molding them. I pray you become the man you want to me, the father you need to be and the grandfather you will eventually be.

I can't make excuses for you. I love you for helping to give me life, because my personality is just like yours. I hate you for allowing my mother to raise her own while you enjoyed your life and created more kids you would not take care of. But I forgive you because I can not allow my demons to follow me through out life.

Discover me

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

I can not make excuses for others who do not believe that love is timeless. he has decided to do what is best for him and over the years I have been doing what is best for my heart. Which means that I have followed him through out his life. Holding grudges but still loving him. While he is polishing his self, I am bruising my ego, bruising my heart and bruising my character. I have attached myself to him so much that I don't know who I am. I do not know the difference between being in love and being myself. Over the years I gave myself to him but it seems like instead of giving him my heart I gave him my soul. I lost me before I had a chance to find out who I was. College flew pass because of the drama that occurred with him. I regret not living for me, doing for him, He has been there for me through thick and thin and I will always love him for that. But when your in love there is no IOU's and in many times I feel like I owed him, when we grew together but never had time to grow apart. I am afraid that us growing apart wouldn't bring us back together. A man like him, a love like ours should not be split, but everything needs oxygen. I do not want to set him free but rather give us time to grow. They say don't burn bridges, and this is a bridge that connects to my heart. I need to experience life, have fun with the girls, make random dudes drool. Im listening to my heart because it will remain with Ossie but my life is mine and I need to to take the step forward. I need to stand on my own two feet and stupid being scared to move from him. I can't live for no one else but me. I have watched things pass me by, classes fall victim to this love because I lost myself in trying to keep up with all the events that went on with this love. I needed balance, balance to be me and love him. Once I am able to discover me as a person and not me with him. Then I can be better for me and hopefully better for him if the time is right.

confuse

I wanna kiss your forehead and tell you that I dream about you at night
but my confessions about how much i love you may be splatter by a cold heart
a heart that still beats for me but can't warm up to me
Tell me when you look in my eyes you don't melt.
First thing you wanna do is kiss me
because it feels right
saying I love you feels right
you can imagine the future and see it as a mistake
but the present is something you still want to risk
never seen someone so cold hearted and loving at the same time
push me away so you can deny how much you love me
but keep me close enough so that i wouldn't forget you

Untitled

Im waiting for him to come In and kiss my neck
But there are too many miles between us
No one ever told me waking up without him would be so hard
Its been two weeks since I last watched you sleep
The smell of your scent no longer lingers in my sheets
I try and remember your smile
Your touch as you caress my face
But the days are adding up
And memories don’t live like people do
These 100 miles between us are driving me insane
At night I dream of a warm kiss to the forehead
From your thick mocha brown lips
But all I get is an illusion
I mark down my calendar hoping today will be the day
That my eyes will split and you will be there sleeping next to me
But the closes I get
Is wearing the t-shirt you sprayed with your cologne
To bed
holding the bear you gave me
Praying every time I kissed it you felt it on your body.
Two people that connect like jigsaw puzzle pieces
Can’t seem to piece together while their nights are so lonely
I listen to you fall asleep
As all the dust in my room come together
To form the outline of your body
I would walk the hundred miles
Everyday if I meant I would see your face.
I would do anything
To eliminate these miles between us
So that we may cuddle at night
This bed was made for two
But only one lonely heart seems to fill it
I will count down the days
Till my sleeping prince is laying next to me
Holding me
Protecting me
And loving me
Again

Inspired by Colored Girls

I write

I carve

I write

I carve

Do you see my artwork?

The physical message of a pen can not always be written sometimes it has to be craved

I mean I crave

I crave it into my skin as if it was the pages of my notebook

I flip through different chapters of my life

Marking it into my skin like landmarks

I say I fell

But the knife fell into my skin so that my blood can be released like pain

I don’t feel the pain

I feel stories unfolding

Like crippled pieces of paper in a garbage

My massacre is being released

You feel sorry for me

But I feel free

My arms shows the marks

Of my history

Don’t tell me I should not have dignity

If only you knew what was done to me

You would help me

write

carve

Do you see my artwork?

Hating or speaking the truth

Ain't no hope in this youth
we run after famous people like beggers asking for change
We don't have no shame
we can't trying get one leg up at a time in the world
but we never realizing we sinking
until we look at our resume and
see that it has no accomplishment

LaLa Land

As he is entering into dream land I am lost in reality. 
wondering where the love in my palm went. 
wondering how dumb was I to think that if he loved me he would put a bring on it. 
No instead he put an invisible leash on my heart and walked out on it. 
My heart skips a beat every time there is a tug on my leash. 
Every time there is a kiss on my lips or his soft mocha brown hands caressing my body. 
But then he turns the channel again because my station is once again boring. 
He comes around like the sun just to rotate my axis but does not realize that I am 
the planet his sun revolves around. 
I need someone around 365 days of a year. 
I'm not no Easter holiday love. 
You only wanna love me whenever CVS put out the 
Easter baskets. 
Then you tug at my heart and tell me that I am your favorite 
candy for this season. 
I want you year around so I don't mind being camouflage 
and fade into your background until its time for me to reappear. 
The idea of having you once in a while beats not having you at all. 
A little girl gave her heart to a young boy who turned into a grown man, 
who molested her for her love and left. 
Leaving this invisible leash around my heart. 
And every time he yell in his smooth barrow tone voice "come her girl" I go running. 
He ain't the only one sleeping. 
I'm awake and dreaming. 
Keep pressing the snooze button hoping I 
could just get fifteen more minutes left out of this dream before the sleeping 
pills I took to make me think this love will last forever wear off.

Simple two fingers that waves goodbye

Nothing to say to the girl whose heart u always break. Nothing to say to the

Only person who is constantly in ur life.
Nothing to say to the girl u Dodge
because its not ok to love her.
Nothing to say to the girl you said you could
marry.
Nothing to say to the heart u helped build but
love to break.
Nothing to say to the girl you use like a towel.
Nothing to say to the girl that is good
enough to fuck but not love.
Nothing to say to the girl you ignored in public
but love to fuck in private.
No need to say you ain't mean to do it this time
because last time you gave that same excuse.
No need for you to speak of us as a
couple because you walked out on me a couple times so I finally got the hint.
Nothing you say can redeem my heart from the comma you put it in.
Nothing to say
to me.
Because all the bullshit you done to me over these years have left me
with one conclusion.
DEUCES 

Porn Star

You think you know somebody when the idea of sex ruins their minds. 
Seems like the uncountable karma sutra positions that have been master in our bed are not
enough. 
You want a never changing porno star that can shape shift. 
You see what went on besides close doors were suppose to be enough to please you. Those porn
are stop, rewind, repeated and duplicate. 
But our love making wasn't wishful thinking it was great fucking. 
But the fucking wasn't good enough because I couldn't change mask every time I got on top of you. 
Asking myself what can I do. Could I tilt my neck back far enough to take him all in? 
Could I invite a friend would that make him love me again? 
Could I break my joints so that my leg could bend back far enough so he could literally break my back? 
Ain't nothing left for me to do because porn ruin my relationship before it started. 
watching porn since seven means he is on partner number 300. 
But really he is on two and that ain't good enough because he has no one else to compare me to. 
Seems like the Guy that wanted a porn star got one. 
But I have to take a number until he ready to retire from the business. 
My job was to please him whether he wanted me to ride, suck or bend over and touch the floor. 
His job was suppose to be to love me but instead he was considered with getting his numbers up when I have
always been his number one porn star. And please to admit it because I ride him
for him. I mean I rode him for him.

Little girl

I have never been that special girl
though i do not seek attention getting it once or twice would be nice.
I have never been that girl that people go out their way for.
I have never been that girl where people just automatically love.
I have been blessed with a personality that piss people off
But that's something I have to deal with
live with
love it or hate myself because of it
Never been that girl special enough for a surprise just that girl good enough to get an ear full of lies
then you ask me why its hard to trust
trust i gave faith a chance
but it turned around and spit in my face like raindrops
Don't tell me my sun will arise
I will have a son that will arise
before i reap my benefits out of life.
Feel like I walk into the dollar store and pick of that mystery bag
that mystery bag that says girl or boy but nobody every knows whats inside of it
you see I got a pile of shit
been having men inside me since I was an adolescent
you think that's a coincidence
while I was suppose to be playing with barbies
I was hiding my breast from the men in my family so that they could stop offering me a friendly hug.
The one thing I can't be honest about is my past
because once my veins open up the flow of guilt will succeed
now you feel pity for me
because I had to grow up fast
wearing short dresses to attract the attention of men
because I thought that was the thing to do
now you tell im rude
i have a tough girl mentality because being a child wasn't an option for me
so attention I sometimes seek because the little girl is lost within me

Beginning to my future

Been away from the one thing that brings me escape....

and now I have returned like moses
to part the seas of my lips
and allow poetry to flow through it
allow stories to flow through it
heartbreak
any pain this pain
I feel
I use to fight myself daily because I had no outlet
allowing others to be my cane
then wonder why I can't walk without them.
I was the chosen one
chosen enough to bare children and be called a women
but I let my shit flow like a man not giving a damn who sees
all these invisible lines on my body
looks like track marks because im the feen.
Too scared to open my eyes and admit I was done wrong
Shit been wrong
where the fuck I been in lala land
somewhere off smiling while my soul is crying
praying for a day of that
my lips will let my sorrow escape
will here it it.

Your predetermined life

I read about love
but that shit aint real
who you know is happy
single mothers rule the world where im from
and dads are the faster niggers on the tracks
aint no real love here... sorry mary you gotta keep search
only time i see love is on tv
only time i read about happily ever after is in books
and you see they dont even carry those shits in the library anymore
time to get that image out our youths head
girl you better bend over and back that ass up if you want "love"
niggas don't like personality
and aint no dude want no chick in school, who gonna correct them
nope the sooner you open your legs
the sooner you can complete the cycle.
you have been destined to fail since you came out the worm
if you aint willing to fight you gonna end up on welfare, with 4 kids and 3 baby daddies
your dreams may not be accepted but
at least dream for yourself.

Different ways of I love you

You can say it in any language but the fact of the matter is

I LOVE YOU

though sometimes I may hate you

S'agapo

Though those three simple words can not explain the space you take up in my heart

Je t'aime

Even though in the past I may have ran from the affection that you tried to offer me

Wo ie ni

Your name has forever be imprinted on my heart because

Ik hou van jou
Aloha wau ia 'oe
I LOVE YOU

I statements

Not this again
Am I really that bad?

No

Well shit I guess I am not that good.

I need to be put in a group i can understand
when people try to spare your feelings
they want to use "I" statements
as if they are the ones that are getting down played
No I am the reason that this keeps happening
Don't tell me its you best your the one doing it.
Its like the great big bald eagle
came to shit on my parade.
Then you want to tell me that it wasn't my fault
If I was a student who got kicked out of school
who fault would it be

mine

No matter how great you want to make me feel
after making me feel bad
the truth of the matter is
there is something wrong with me
for blaming myself
every time you can't make up your mind
Next time give me the full statement
Tell me I am the reason
that we are back in this dilemma again
and I need to change because it is clashing with you
and I will kindly thank you for your honesty and say
fuck you