Discover me

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

I can not make excuses for others who do not believe that love is timeless. he has decided to do what is best for him and over the years I have been doing what is best for my heart. Which means that I have followed him through out his life. Holding grudges but still loving him. While he is polishing his self, I am bruising my ego, bruising my heart and bruising my character. I have attached myself to him so much that I don't know who I am. I do not know the difference between being in love and being myself. Over the years I gave myself to him but it seems like instead of giving him my heart I gave him my soul. I lost me before I had a chance to find out who I was. College flew pass because of the drama that occurred with him. I regret not living for me, doing for him, He has been there for me through thick and thin and I will always love him for that. But when your in love there is no IOU's and in many times I feel like I owed him, when we grew together but never had time to grow apart. I am afraid that us growing apart wouldn't bring us back together. A man like him, a love like ours should not be split, but everything needs oxygen. I do not want to set him free but rather give us time to grow. They say don't burn bridges, and this is a bridge that connects to my heart. I need to experience life, have fun with the girls, make random dudes drool. Im listening to my heart because it will remain with Ossie but my life is mine and I need to to take the step forward. I need to stand on my own two feet and stupid being scared to move from him. I can't live for no one else but me. I have watched things pass me by, classes fall victim to this love because I lost myself in trying to keep up with all the events that went on with this love. I needed balance, balance to be me and love him. Once I am able to discover me as a person and not me with him. Then I can be better for me and hopefully better for him if the time is right.

confuse

I wanna kiss your forehead and tell you that I dream about you at night
but my confessions about how much i love you may be splatter by a cold heart
a heart that still beats for me but can't warm up to me
Tell me when you look in my eyes you don't melt.
First thing you wanna do is kiss me
because it feels right
saying I love you feels right
you can imagine the future and see it as a mistake
but the present is something you still want to risk
never seen someone so cold hearted and loving at the same time
push me away so you can deny how much you love me
but keep me close enough so that i wouldn't forget you

Untitled

Im waiting for him to come In and kiss my neck
But there are too many miles between us
No one ever told me waking up without him would be so hard
Its been two weeks since I last watched you sleep
The smell of your scent no longer lingers in my sheets
I try and remember your smile
Your touch as you caress my face
But the days are adding up
And memories don’t live like people do
These 100 miles between us are driving me insane
At night I dream of a warm kiss to the forehead
From your thick mocha brown lips
But all I get is an illusion
I mark down my calendar hoping today will be the day
That my eyes will split and you will be there sleeping next to me
But the closes I get
Is wearing the t-shirt you sprayed with your cologne
To bed
holding the bear you gave me
Praying every time I kissed it you felt it on your body.
Two people that connect like jigsaw puzzle pieces
Can’t seem to piece together while their nights are so lonely
I listen to you fall asleep
As all the dust in my room come together
To form the outline of your body
I would walk the hundred miles
Everyday if I meant I would see your face.
I would do anything
To eliminate these miles between us
So that we may cuddle at night
This bed was made for two
But only one lonely heart seems to fill it
I will count down the days
Till my sleeping prince is laying next to me
Holding me
Protecting me
And loving me
Again

Inspired by Colored Girls

I write

I carve

I write

I carve

Do you see my artwork?

The physical message of a pen can not always be written sometimes it has to be craved

I mean I crave

I crave it into my skin as if it was the pages of my notebook

I flip through different chapters of my life

Marking it into my skin like landmarks

I say I fell

But the knife fell into my skin so that my blood can be released like pain

I don’t feel the pain

I feel stories unfolding

Like crippled pieces of paper in a garbage

My massacre is being released

You feel sorry for me

But I feel free

My arms shows the marks

Of my history

Don’t tell me I should not have dignity

If only you knew what was done to me

You would help me

write

carve

Do you see my artwork?

Hating or speaking the truth

Ain't no hope in this youth
we run after famous people like beggers asking for change
We don't have no shame
we can't trying get one leg up at a time in the world
but we never realizing we sinking
until we look at our resume and
see that it has no accomplishment

LaLa Land

As he is entering into dream land I am lost in reality. 
wondering where the love in my palm went. 
wondering how dumb was I to think that if he loved me he would put a bring on it. 
No instead he put an invisible leash on my heart and walked out on it. 
My heart skips a beat every time there is a tug on my leash. 
Every time there is a kiss on my lips or his soft mocha brown hands caressing my body. 
But then he turns the channel again because my station is once again boring. 
He comes around like the sun just to rotate my axis but does not realize that I am 
the planet his sun revolves around. 
I need someone around 365 days of a year. 
I'm not no Easter holiday love. 
You only wanna love me whenever CVS put out the 
Easter baskets. 
Then you tug at my heart and tell me that I am your favorite 
candy for this season. 
I want you year around so I don't mind being camouflage 
and fade into your background until its time for me to reappear. 
The idea of having you once in a while beats not having you at all. 
A little girl gave her heart to a young boy who turned into a grown man, 
who molested her for her love and left. 
Leaving this invisible leash around my heart. 
And every time he yell in his smooth barrow tone voice "come her girl" I go running. 
He ain't the only one sleeping. 
I'm awake and dreaming. 
Keep pressing the snooze button hoping I 
could just get fifteen more minutes left out of this dream before the sleeping 
pills I took to make me think this love will last forever wear off.

Simple two fingers that waves goodbye

Nothing to say to the girl whose heart u always break. Nothing to say to the

Only person who is constantly in ur life.
Nothing to say to the girl u Dodge
because its not ok to love her.
Nothing to say to the girl you said you could
marry.
Nothing to say to the heart u helped build but
love to break.
Nothing to say to the girl you use like a towel.
Nothing to say to the girl that is good
enough to fuck but not love.
Nothing to say to the girl you ignored in public
but love to fuck in private.
No need to say you ain't mean to do it this time
because last time you gave that same excuse.
No need for you to speak of us as a
couple because you walked out on me a couple times so I finally got the hint.
Nothing you say can redeem my heart from the comma you put it in.
Nothing to say
to me.
Because all the bullshit you done to me over these years have left me
with one conclusion.
DEUCES