It comes down to me

Hopefully these words can express my struggle, the battle I am having everyday:

I want so bad to make up for the poor mistakes I made. So here I am blood sweat and all fighting to prove that I can make it. Prove that I can do better and will be better. Every time someone doubts me I get an extra boost. But I should not have to rely on hate to boost me. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SELF CONFIDENCE?? I need to know for self that I am great and that I can achieve everything I put my mind too. I do not need no pity party or a pat on my back. I need my own damn self confidence to say hey you can do it. I need my own self control to tell what the fuck am I doing, I got work to do there for I can not be bullshitting. But instead it seems like they have all taken a break, waiting for me to get my shit together so that they may join in. I realize that I have put myself in this hole. And with no rope, no friends no wishful dreams. I have to pull myself out this rut blood sweat and tears. because this life I am living is mine and no one else can have control over it but ME