Redo

Just keep swimming
you will get it
the future is in reach
just keep that drive alive

Everything seems to be going bad but it is up to me to turn it around
I have the key to my own destiny
so i need to stop sitting around
and waiting for my door to unlock
i need to go buckwild on that shit
until I am satisfied with the result.
I can make a list of things I feel are going wrong but instead
I am about to start a list of things that are worthless
and no longer need my attention.

Therefore I am clearing out my list
and starting 2010 off the right way
my way...

Untitled

I am use to being ignored because I will never be her
I will never be tall like her
Have long curly hair like her
Have dimples like her
But fuck that shit
Im me
Exactly at what point did we not matter just you
Or should I point a little lower and ask your dick that question
Seems like you heart is in love with me
But your dick is in love with pussy
Don’t matter how it look
Just as long as it can get it
Fuck what the girl look like as long as it can get wet its just… right
Seems like your mind went M.I.A
When it should have been telling you to follow your heart
And not let your dick lead the way.

See whats funny is that you expect to confide in me
Tell me about her
How she is from LA and you’ll have so much in common
But instead you’re just spitting in my fucking face telling me I’m not good
Telling me that because my pussy aint down with the transformers it ain’t worth it
While fuck this
These four walls held you down
When chicks didn’t know your name
I was there
So no matter the length of my hair
Can’t no other women take my place
As those chicks fades away
The image of me will forever linger
But just as a figment to your imagination

Dear loverboy, (1)

Dear Loverboy,

I start to ask myself when you became brand new. Was it when you lost weight? When you changed your clothes? Was it the college environment? Was it the new friends? Or was it the letters? No, its just you and your attitude. When did you start to believe that an opinion of strangers mattered more than my opinion? As if they know you, as if those little moments compare to how deep we are intertwined. I ask myself why you wanted to become brand new. If a you have everything you need in one person why ask for anymore? This brand new you is not the guy I feel in love with and as much as you say you know, I want to ask do you care. The transformation that you decided to make is only skin deep because these people who are attracted to you are there for your image, for your letters but not for you. When you are mad all those people are gone, talking about you and shit. But I am there helping you relax, telling you “baby, stop it”. When you get drunk and sick I am there taking your clothes off making sure your ok. None of these people know the real you though, they know the you that likes to party and dance but not the guy who would rather stay home and play video games all day, the guy that loves to eat everything for breakfast but breakfast. Seems like you don’t mind letting these people judge you by a proportion of who they think you are. Because you are being a proportion, limiting yourself to thoughts and a character that everyone wishes you were. You are becoming brand new but before any changes have accorded I have been there. Through out your changes I have been there. So I wonder if you are becoming new or if you are simply losing yourself in an image that everyone wants you to be. I want you to find your way but I want you to think with your mind, think with your heart, then develop your character.

The Girl whose heart you stole

I imagine

Please forgive me I don't usually do sex poems

I imagine making love to him
In a place where sound nor time is a problem.
I imagine washing him in places
I wish I could suck later
I want to take him so deep
He will be shocked how far Im able to go
I imagine drying him off just enough so that there are still some water drips left on his skin
That I would be able to lick off later
I imagine riding him in a motion
That makes his curls toes
I want to ride him so well he thinks im a different person
I want him to see a side of me that he never seen before
And have flashbacks of this night when were in public
I imagine him making me so wet
That it runs down his shaft
I imagine use becoming tired
Because nine rounds wasn’t just made for boxers
I imagine sharing this poem with him
And him accepting my challenge

Brick by Brick

Don’t break down our empire
Just because it is falling apart
It can still be fixed
Don’t take our bricks and add it to another empire
Don’t think I should be happy with four walls missing.
Empires are built on love, trust, communication and loyalty.
Don’t invite me into your new complex
Shit don’t tell me about
How good your new complex is
Or how it does this or does that
DON’T TELL ME ITS FUCKING DIFFERENT
Our empire was different
But its called getting to know each other
You can’t bust through our four walls
Then get mad because we are not as solid as we once were
Bring back those bricks you took away
And begun remodeling this empire.

Pretty Please

How do you tell someone that they should love you again?
How do you tell someone that it is okay for them to fall back in love with you?
Do you tell them that the mistakes you made before wouldn’t happen again?
How do you ask your love to be on pause because it is not working for them?
How do you just ask for someone to love you like they use to?
How can you promise to be there for them when they don’t let you?




Its it ok to scream LOVE ME….AGAIN
(wait why did you ever stop)

Speak to me

They said love needs no words
But what if you don’t just want love
you want the friendship
That was lost

Speak to me
Start small so we can end big
Don’t run baby just allow yourself to trust me with your words
Come confide in my
Find the listening ear that has always been here

See I have tried to ask
But that gets met with attitude
I have tried to look around but that is deceiving
So what should a girl do when all she want is an ear full
So that she can still feel connected to you in some way.

Nothing is worth a conversation
The same relaxing feeling we use to feel
Being in each other arms letting out emotions does not exist any more
Instead its me trying to cuddle myself on to you
While you dose off from me talking so much

How is it possible to be built on friendship?
But have nothing left
Is there some way to fix that emptiness of a conversation?
Or do we have to refind each other
In order to refine our relationship?

How can this be done
when the simple words of how you day has been doing will not leave his lips?
Instead the words get pushed aside
And all that comes out is “Its okay”

Icebox Where My Garden use to Be

Everything use to be sunny
But then the rain came
Then the thunderstorm the next day
But the next day I had a beautiful little garden
With clear skies and no chance of rain
I maintain that garden
Showed it love and care
Gave it everything I had
I would go near and far to give it all the nutrients it needed
But one day out of no where
A flurry fell out the sky
I tried and tried to take them off carefully
Piece by piece
To ensure that no flower was damage.
I was so busy trying to save the flower
That I notice that the flower didn’t wanna be saved.
The snow kept fall
And my garden was lost
There was nothing I could do.
I set next to the garden so long
That even I was covered in snow
Over time the snow begin to freeze
And now I have an ice box were my ……
Garden use to be

New Chapter!!

Can’t hate him cause I love him, I wish him happiness but wish it was with me. I can not pick the course that he wishes to travel on but I can love him no matter what. I need to figure out how to get the demons out my life and then worry about moving on. He helped show me a new side of myself, a self I actually respect. I also left a piece of myself because of him that I want to gain back. When I work on myself I hope he is done so we can continue. If he is not I will be grateful to have had the time to love myself and experience what true love is. I will search for love in a different way; sadly I will compare them to him because he showed me a prefect love. But my journey is not ended but beginning, this is just a new chapter of self love and growing self respect while dealing with the suppress demons inside of me.

All I want for Christmas

All I Want is a man in my life who stays, looking for attention in guys who don’t have the last name Hamilton. I have many strong women in my family but time after time the man leave. My father left when I was a toddler and returns each year with false hope, my uncle died when I was growing up, recently my grandfather was taking away. All these men are gone but a little girl is still waiting for someone to come hold her hands.

Never Knew I Need

I hear songs all the time that speaks to me, like I swear they are made for me. But this song has me open, with the recent hills in my relationship it got me thinking. He at the time was something I never knew I needed but he changed me mentally while I changed him physically. He showed me love in a way no one has ever had. I thought he fell victim to my love but it seems like I gained more from it than he did. He made me stronger, he gave me confidence. he showed me that no matter what I did he would be there. When I ran away from our love he was there, when I look else where for affection because we were getting too deep he was there, all the support I needed was in him, I was just to scared to trust. Seems like every time I trust a man they leave, from my dad to Roy. So why was he any different. I finally gave in and found out he was definitely something I needed. Something I craved, something I deserved. He looked at me in a way no one has ever did, he blushed when he saw me, got shy when I came near, and for some reason he couldn't direct the word no my way. He showed me the love I never knew I needed, he was the man I never thought I could have, and he protected me when I didn't know I needed it. He has truly been the best thing I never knew I needed and the worst thing I never realized I had.

Girlfriend Mom

When you try to mode a boy to a man you run the risk of acting like his mother. You are trying so hard to change what he wears and how he acts, so that he is more suitable for you. Along the path of transforming him, you begin to transform yourself because you are stepping into a role that is not suitable for you. Instead of suggesting ideas you demand he acts a particular way, dress a certain way. That doesn't sound like a role of a girlfriend but more of a mother. What ever happen to letting him find his way and just being there to help. When you try to control a person they begin to act out. And they start to fight against you to find their own way and you are stuck in confusion. As the man you "created" becomes the man he was destined to be. You sit there dazed wondering what a girlfriend is suppose to be

What will happen?

Should I say I mean it with love or I mean it from the heart
because you are my heart but you also have all my love
never could I envision loving someone as much as I do you
or even letting someone in who would be able to have the power to hurt me like you do.
We help build one another up
not realizing that if we split
on of us may be broken down
who thought it would be me
the girl who started this relationship
the girl who gave this relationship a chance
is the same girl who fell victim to loving a guy who didn't find himself yet
so our love has to go through the twist and turn
as he finds who he is
but when he discovers it
will we still be together?

Attention

Attention is what he needs
and if I can't give it to him
he finds it else where.
he finds our relationship for filling
but just not fit for a college student.
Not a guy who has been blessed with the recent attention of girls
girls who would not have given him the time or day in high school
Attention is what he demands
as he steps outside his dorm room
making sure he is nothing short of perfection.

Attention is what she wants to give him
but when it fits her schedule.
Attention is something she does not seek
because it brings along false stories that people create because they do not know.
A relationship is what she holds dear because
she knows who has been by her side for years.
Attention from other guys is not something she wants
because he will always been the man in her life.
Attention to details on her clothing
she find time consuming
so she throws on what she wants
and takes time to impress him when she can

Attention is their problem
but only they can be their
resolution.

Precious Lord Take My Hand

Guidance is something I am seeking, not from someone who has not been through my situtation. I find myself keeping a lot of things in because people can give you good advice that they will not follow themselves. So I am stuck in a position where I am not sure who will understand. But this song touched my heart in a way that no other gospel song has done in a while. Maybe the strength I was looking for was in me. I just have to be willing to reach out and take the hand.

Movement

I'm a movement by myself. But I'm a force when we're together. Mami I'm good all by myself. But baby you, you make me better. --> Ne-Yo

Those simple words engraved in my brain a love that is so strong that they ride for each other help each other out of situtations and make them question if they are doing shit right. Now a force like that can not be fucked with can not be damaged broken up or harmed by no women, men or child. When two people are riding in the same direction on the same path, going to the same goal ain't nothing but time can make them change. When they are at a place to change they change together. A love where she knows that can't no other king do what he does for her and he knows aint no other queen can do what she does for him. Now that is the type of love that everyone should aim for

First thing's first, I does what I do. But everything I am, she's my improve. I'm already boss, I'm already fly. But if I'm a star, she is the sky (ahh ahh ahh). And when I feel like I'm on top (she she she). She give me reason to not stop (eh eh eh eh eh). And though I'm hot (too too too). Together we burn it up.

Protector

Protector come protect me
hold me in your arms and tell me everything will be okay
protector please save me
from the pains of the world
protector please guide me into your arms and love me
shelter me from harm and I will shield you from backstabbers
together we are a team
you protect me and I will watch over you
oh protector I have dreamed of you for years
and here you are
protecting me from the pain and turmoil that occurs in the world

Shit

Why people act like their shit don't stink as if they are god's gift to a better future. Everyone is not you therefore everyone is not going to walk in your shoes because face it they are not that good. Some things you do well in others you don't. Things you may think are important others may find it useless to have in their lives. So why judge on how important something should be to someone else. I just don't get where other people can try to control someone's life and even more so. Just live your life and let them go them.

Top/Bottom

I am learning from every choice I make
I know others try to help me out of a situation
but if I don't learn now when will I learn.
Success is what I aim for but
lessons will keep me moving forward.
Whats the point in being at the top
if your soul is at the bottom still learning lessons.

personal issues

Realize I have a personal life with personal thoughts
and you are not always apart of it.
I have a right to shut the world out
and open it when I want to.
But do not believe that I am doing it because of you
I am doing it for me
I am doing it to get a hold of my life.
The greatest therpy for me is to write
but to write alone
where my thoughts can follow easily and I do not have to worry about pleasing a single soul
but my own.
So my personal life goes through its own personal problems

Seems Like part 1

These are for the people who are worried about me, the people who care about me, and the people who I have not had the chance to speak with as of yet:

I think I have lost myself
Have you found her
Seems like I have run away from situation
and it has landed me in a shell.
Seems like I have people worrying about me
when I don't even know who me is
Seems as if I have let my experiences define me
instead of being me
Seems like when people get to know me
I am a different image than what they thought they see
Seems like there are only a few people who truly knows me
Seems like I let haters control me
let haters block me in a corner
Seems like I put a limit on how many times people can fuck me over
and I set the limit at one
Seems like the true me is missing
and the bitch remain
the girl who refuses to let people get close because I know they will fuck up.
Seems like as people search to get to know me
I am still searching to find who is me
And who I want to become

Today, Tomorrow

Today was the first day that I didn't want to tell you that I missed you.
Today was the first day I held my pillow wondering if you would be back.
Last week was the first time you kept a dark secret from me
Last month was the first time I seen a limit to our relationship.
Last year was the first time I ever been betrayed so deeply.
Last year was the first time the tables were turned and you were in control.

Today I want to stand up and say that I will not fall victim to the small talk but I said that last week.
Today I need to find the values of love and evaluate if today, last week, last month, last year will allow me to see tomorrow clearly.
Tomorrow I want to walk with my head high.
But I need to look at the path and pick the right direction.

Interracial Relationship

Anyone that knows me knows how I feel about interracial dating however listening to this song by Kevin Michael has changed my views. I do believe that you can not help who you love. I believe that this is the main reason why people stay with cheaters, abusive and all the above. However, I do still question the people who go out with people because of their race. For example a white women would go after a black men because she hears his dick is big. I believe in love and that is not love you may be in lust with someone because of their dick but I do not know about love. Kevin Michael made me think about everyone who judges relationship that are mixed. Then I started to think how people viewed me since I was a lighter color than anyone in my family. He is definitely changed most of my views I will also have some doubts but I know that from person to person things changed. So there may be some black guy out there who loves white women because they can be easy going but that ddoesn't mean all of them. And with that said here is a piece of the song:

Lesson Learned

A lot of people turn to hate when they think of someone who has done them wrong instead of calling it a lesson learn. I believe Alicia Keys said it best:

I was burned but I called it a lesson learned

Mistake overturned

So I call it a lesson learned

My soul has returned

So I call it a lesson learned

Another lesson learned

Falling down ain't falling down

If you don't cry when you hit the floor

It's called the past cause I'm getting past

And I ain't nothing like I was before

You ought to see me now

I know that pain hurts like hell and no one wants to tell someone that they are forgiven

but why should anyone live their lives with such hate in their heart. I do agree that you can dislike someone but the art of hate is too strong.

I believe that a lesson was learned and now it is your time to grow from it.

Usher's lyrics

Feels like the two major break ups in our relationship, Usher was there. When I broke up with him I broke up with him to an Usher song. When he told me how he was feeling, he used and Usher song. Seems like music really does know what people are thinking because when 'Burn' was my favorite song. I use to cry to 'Burn' because I knew what needed to be done. When he first asked me to listen to ' Whats a man to do' I didnt understand, but once I had a chance to listen for myself it all made sense. Can I blame Usher for our downfalls, nope but Usher helped us nagivate when we needed him his lyrics were there. Telling us we needed to let it burn or telling me whats a man to do when he dont wanna lie but he can't tell the truth. I can simply say #deathto Usher but Usher helped me as it helped him. Just wishing Usher does not come out with another album because all the albums that came out through our relationship has ended in the break up of me and E.

Roy Wrenn

Roy Wrenn where are you

my first true love I can not find, he is actually the reason I found E. E was something different than Roy someone more gentle, someone who seem to care about what I had to say and respect me for who I was. Roy had the power to make me weak, make me know love was real. I remember when I first saw him playing basketball and I told my cousin I liked him. He was 15 years old and I was only 12. I remember like yesterday when he got my number, my cousin had told him I like him and we exchanged numbers, he didn't have a pen so he told me to tell him my number and he would remember it. So one day when I got home from school the phone was ringing and it was him. I was so excited at the fact that he remember. I respected him because he never rushed me to have sex, in fact we had sex a year after we meet. We even had pet names he was kermit and i was Mrs. Piggy (oh how my mother hated that name. but she hated him more) He was one of those bad boys my mom warned me about but I didn't care because I liked him. On the relationship he controlled everything and I was cool with that. Long distance is what killed the relationship him moving to Reading in all, but everytime I hear you got it bad on a radio, I think of him. After not seeing him for 5 years I still wonder where he is and how he is doing. I know I made the right choice in leaving him alone and staying with Evans, but a part of me wants to close that chapter. By telling him how special he was to me and thanking him for being the first person to show me love. Now I have love to give to the man that is special to me. Roy Wrenn where ever you are I still remember the relationship we had and I wih you the very best.

My Savior

I am thrilled to be writing so many times, so many years I have kept all my emotions inside but for once, here I am letting my experiences move my fingers. Let the pains escape me, releasing the things I can not control and understand that certain things are not my fault. And somethings I need to change in order to be a better person. And so I write, but I write without names as a way to show my respect but the thoughts of you still live through my words. I write I write I express I live and I learn, I do not have time to regret the words that have touched this blog because then that would be me, pausing my thoughts and changing my mind. And in this blog I can not change my mind but rather speak my mind. Realizing that everypne is not going to like everything I say but I will say everything I need to say and understand that I have a write to LET SHIT GO. I have a right to be mad but once my words are posted on this blog I need to let it go, because pain like that does not need to live inside me. But rather help someone else to release what is inside them. I want people to help from my words as I do. I understand that I may mess up on words but once I start changing one word then my blog becomes a carefully put thought thought and not the true essence of what I was feeling. This blog has changed me. In the 4 weeks I had this blog I have opened up to so many things in my life. And I have not even begin to review my past, but I will write and blog and see to it that my thoughts leave my mind and enter this blog.

Sand

The realist shit I ever wrote:

"Don't let something you want slip around

But don't hold on to something that needs to slip away"

Think

Please eat your words, before you speak your words.

People love to talk when they got nobody, ever wonder why your always alone

time to realize that there is not something wrong with everyone you come across

there is just something wrong with you, some people just deal with it

but people who are always about themselves end up by themselves

wondering why they always so damn lonely

because nobody wants to hear about you 24/7

people have the hardest time thinking about others.

I mean think about your life

think about how many people have gone and come

how many relationships in the trash

and how everyone else is to blame but you

sorry but everyone can't be wrong

maybe its time for a blame game.

When the world comes crashing down who do you have

when hate is a big part of people's life

hate turns around and ends your life.

make room for others

so when you need someone they are there

life is not something that can be lived alone.

May 2010

This program has started to bring me a lot of motivation and it has barely gotten off the ground. When you start to help someone else you are really helping yourself. At the first meeting to see the freshmen engage and carrying to the lessons we were saying really warms my heart. I guess knowing that there is a future beyond this facebook fighting, sleeping around, getting drunk all the time and just skipping class motivates me. Shows me that I can be better because I am helping someone else become better. I do not want to limit anyone's experience on campus but I want to remind them what they came here for. I guess the most truthfully shit me said to them was the were 100% of freshmen in 2006 >by 2007 there were 75%>by 2008 there were 50% and in fall 2010 there will still be 25% remaining. I will be the stats that leave this campus on time and with no excuse. I had my share of verbals fights but I never let it get physical, I have never been pissy drunk and you know what on May 15 2010 I will be walking across that stage. Accepting what I earned by doing what I came here to do.

Suitcase

" I am ready to go, I am all packed up"

Seems like I have locked my secrets inside of me

ain't no way anyone going to learn this much about me.

No i never been hurt that deep

But I sure don't wanna be.

Be a victim of my deepest insecurities.

Having someone feel sorry for me

I made it thus far

without someone taking pity on me.

So please don't have no girl talk with me

telling me

I can change, That I can open up

because you actually don't know me

Don't know what I been through

So You can't possible know what makes you

ME

Fight

I fight

I fight

and you contiune to back up.

So once you have become back into a corner

you turn to fight me.

When we should have been fighting together.

Your fighting me while I am fighting for us

But neither one of us are winning

and neither one of us are ready to give up

to stop and had in the gloves.

There is no one to break it up

just someone being broke down

not understanding why

after so long we are not fighting together.

Instead we are both fighting for the futures we want

he is fighting for the chance to be free

while I am fighting for my fairy tale.

Both of us is still feeling the rope around us

holding us together

maybe we need to stop fighting our dreams

and let reality be the image that is currenting in front of us.

As people change so does their future

But some how their drive remains the same

so they fight

taking turns fighting together

and fighting for themselves.

IDK

Ever felt backed into a wall by words you can't stay
Just wanted to express your opinion
But feared getting yelled at.
Has tried to always be understanding but is always wrong
The best thing you think you can do is say nothing.
But blank words never helped a situation grow.
But what do you do
Do you face the yells or
Let the situation remain as is?

I am a Woman

What makes me weak? My fears
What makes me whole? My God.
What keeps me standing? My faith.
What makes me compassionate? My selflessness.
What makes me honest? My integrity.
What sustains my mind? My quest for knowledge.
What teaches me all lessons? My mistakes.
What lift's my head high? My pride, Not arrogance.

What if I can't go on? Not an option.
What makes me victorious? My courage to climb.
What makes me competent? My confidence.
What makes me sensual? My insatiable essence.
What makes me beautiful? My everything.
What makes me a woman? My heart.
Who says I need love? I do.
What empowers me? My God & Me.

Who am I?


I AM A WOMAN!

Shelf

Every thing is so familiar as if it was this time last year all over again, but last time it was fact and I am just wishing that this time is fiction, but i honestly have no clue. Just because you want this to be different do not mean that they will be. I am a realist I can't live my life blind to the fact that history may be repeating itself. I have the same feelings. The same fear of touching the phone and unlocking secrets that my heart can't handle. The urge to see whats behind door number three. No need to ask because decoding a lie is not that easy. Getting into a defensive situation is not something I want, so my questions remain on the shelf. I would want to believe that word would be bond but once accreditation was losted once, its hard to get it back. But can I truly say that I like to refer to real facts but I have none. Is it that I like the idea of history to be repeated, maybe that will explain our downfall. But something has to be wrong because after one problem comes another and another.

I don't want to build a shelf of words untold, so what choice do I have because being bitter is not gonna work for me.

Heavy Heart

I am at this point where I have emotions, but I am not sure how to word them or even if I want to word them. But I know that their is something heavy on my chest, and it all boils down to trust. Can you blame someone for not being trustworthy? Or does the blame fall on you? My confusion can only be solved with a conservation but why are the most important conversations the one we don't want to have? I mean it is just gonna bring me closer to a decision but some time the decisions we come up with are the ones we don't want to have, but we truly need. So here I am with a conversation on my heart but just maybe I am too scared to make a final decision? Maybe I know the answer and don't want to hear it.

A beautiful Figure of a man

A Beautiful Figure of a man

Fate brought us together

but girls tried to break us a part.

I am not talking about those random girls

That I have never come across a day in my life.

I am talking about my friends,

those smile in your face bitches

those chicks who try to get to know you with hopes of getting to know him better.

I remember a day

when I saw my friend try to push up on his

and my soul was crushed

but I quickly realized that I was in high school.

There are not fine guys

just roaming around this oswego parts.

I see why people liked him

why people admired him.

But it should have stopped there,

seems like horny, shameless girls

have no boundaries

as long as they get land.

But their poor attempts

inspired me to step my game up.

* Thank you to all the thristy girls who have ever tried to preserve him, and to my so-called-friends I am sad that you couldn't admire or friendship and respect me and his relationship.

TAKE BACK THE NIGT

Today I took time out to march for the girl, that was once in me
Tonight I took time out for the girl, who has to live with this pain for the rest of her life
Tonight was a special night to hear and feel support from victims,survivors and just supporters of awareness. Tonight people put their pride aside to take a stand and declare that sexual violence is not expected. It takes a lot out of a person to march for a cause that effects them. It takes a lot for people to look their situation in the cafe and say I will not longer put up with having my body disrespected. People need to realize that sexual assault is an extremely important issue and putting it under the rugs, is not acceptable. You may think that it is okay to hide your secret but imagine millions of women, children and men hiding their secrets. That is not a world I want to imagine, nobody can force a victim to become a survivor but there is help out there. When you time is right just search for it...

A LESSON COMES IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES..JUST TAKE IT IN

I am a girl

Shut up
you can't do this
you will never be nothing in life.
I am a girl
who beats up herself
A girl who never feels good
about anything she does
she thinks its just one step up
but look up there are a thousand more to go.
I am a girl
who does not care if any
else says that she is doing a good job
because she knows she can do better.
Rewarding yourself
whats that
You can't reward yourself
for a meter when you still have a mile left to do.
I am a girl
who will never reach her destination
because it is forever changing
I am a girl who has to be better
who has to do better
So just thinking I can succeed
at being average is not any option.
I am a girl
who can not become a women
because a women
realizes that with each
obstacle comes a celebration.
For there are people who could even make it thus far
But I have so I need to accept my reward.

I wish I wasn't

Im home alone again

And youre out, hanging with your friends

So you say, but I know its not quite that way

Its getting pretty late and you havent checked on me all day

When I called you didnt answer

Now Im feeling like youre ignoring me

I wish that you were home

Holding me,tight in your arms

And I wish, I could go back

To the day before we met and skip my regret

I wish I wasnt in love with you

So you couldnt hurt me

It just aint fair the way you treat me

No you dont deserve me

Wasted my time thinking about you and you aint never gone change

I wish I wasnt in love with you

So I wouldnt feel this way

When you touch me my heart melts

And everything you did wrong I forget

So you play me and take advantage

Of the love that I feel for you

Why you wanna hurt me so bad

I believed in you thats why Im so mad

Now Im drowning in disappointment, and its hard for me to even look at you

Said you care about me, but from what I see

I aint feeling that, so I disagree

Gave you all my love and understanding and you treated me like your enemy

So leave me alone, dont want nothing from you

Just go back where you came from this house is no longer your home

You can not never come no more

Credit to Heather Headley

Screams Chapter 1

Don't ever let the voices get trapped in your head

scream if you have to scream....

I feel as if distancing myself from some people is the best thing I have did this semester. Like I am sick of the ME ME ME shit like I don't have a life of my own or my life is not important because some people can't get their head out their own ass. I am sorry if you never had the spotlight before but in my life their is no spotlight just strictly respect. I am not bending backwards for someone that doesn't do shit for me but complains. I am sick of people who put one friend over another friend. I am sick of people who allow other people to walk all over them and look at me like im stupid for staying to myself. I am sick of trying tell someone how I feel then being interpreted by more of there drama, sorry its my turn the fuck. I am sick of girls fucking strolling but only got one letter. Your purpose is not to stroll so please stop. I am sick of men with no balls who can't stand up for themselves. I AM SO SICK OF FUCKING VICTIMS. If you are still alive then get the fuck over it, if not cry, scream, write do whatever you need to but get through it. People still living in the past with no hope of getting to the future. What good comes with being bitter. I am sick of people who can not balance their lives. Sick of people who don't know the difference between business and personal life. Sick of people who judge girls for being a whore, mean while you only fucked one less guy than she did. I am sick of people who can;t live their own lives so they have to always make fun of others. I am sick of BROKE ASS UGLY BITCHES WHO WANT EVANS, SWEETIE IF HE WANTED YOU HE WOULD GO AFTER YOU. So please don't fucking roll your eyes at me. I am sick of SO-CALLED-FRIENDS who serceting wanted to fuck Evans. Lastly, I am sick of people who take everything fucking personally, these are my thoughts and I have a right to express them. If you do not like it well that is not my damn problem but go ahead and comment. I will gladly discuss my views

Till next chapter....

Imagines

How can you get mad if I never promised you anything?
How can you be mad at something I never said?
see we make up these imagines in our head,
and figures that it has to be that way
but when it doesn't we're upset
blaming it on someone else
when the picture that you created to yourself,
has always been fictional.
We can try to plan and hope for things to happen
But when it doesn't you can't be mad
because life has its own course
and things will not go your way.
So you pick up and move along.

The world revolves around you

This is a service announcement:

I am sorry if you have never had anything in life

or you just want everything.

But I am not your puppet and you are not my master

I am not sitting in the audience

And you are not on stage

Therefore stop thinking my world revolves around you

I may be in your world

but your problems are not mine.

Sorry to tell you

but its not all about you

its about me

and everyone else who has a damn life.

I can keep listening

to how you want to be number 1

well find a world where there is no one else there

and be number one

but on earth

your just average

your problems are not better than mines

and do not come before mines.

Everything is not going to go your way

people have to live their lives

So simple put please

stop thinking the world revolves around you

Pencil You In

Meet me here for dinner

Then later we can meet back up discuss our day

then sex at 8pm

Then sleep around 12 because we got to wake up for a long day tomorrow

Is the the schedule that is in store for us
whatever happened to the randomness
the time that we use to spend doing nothing
Guess you win some and you lose someone
or atleast a part of our relationship.
Funny how you start to buckle down on your work
Then your relationship falls victim to it.
Sad to think how
most of our relationship is carried out through technology.
I do care what era we are in
nothing can replace his whispers in my ear.


Seems like everything is being replaced
No more round twos during sex
instead we pull out textbooks to get our work done.
No more sleeping late on weekends
instead we wake up to chase that dollar.
The things we use to find that were fun are slowly being replaced by boredom
No more helping each other with important projects
because its not on our schedule.
We are so busy clouding with our own problems
that we can't see when the other one needs us.
Where the hell did UNITY go
is it tangled between our textbooks
or did the idea of succeeding become to much
For our relationship to remain at its
normal state.
Seems like the thought of getting older is no more fun
because the idea of being in love is not on my To-do -list

It comes down to me

Hopefully these words can express my struggle, the battle I am having everyday:

I want so bad to make up for the poor mistakes I made. So here I am blood sweat and all fighting to prove that I can make it. Prove that I can do better and will be better. Every time someone doubts me I get an extra boost. But I should not have to rely on hate to boost me. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SELF CONFIDENCE?? I need to know for self that I am great and that I can achieve everything I put my mind too. I do not need no pity party or a pat on my back. I need my own damn self confidence to say hey you can do it. I need my own self control to tell what the fuck am I doing, I got work to do there for I can not be bullshitting. But instead it seems like they have all taken a break, waiting for me to get my shit together so that they may join in. I realize that I have put myself in this hole. And with no rope, no friends no wishful dreams. I have to pull myself out this rut blood sweat and tears. because this life I am living is mine and no one else can have control over it but ME

Pain don't equal fight

All this girl feels is pain

her past has her trying to fight her way through the future.

But it doesn't work

she blames it on everyone else

but when she is behind close doors

she feels the pain

the pain of her life running past her

while she is at a stand still

still trying to fight ghost

that has vanished long ago

her heart is not sealed

so she can't allow anyone in.

The only love she knows is pain

and to her

pain brings joy

joy as she sits her room alone

and feel as if the world is against

not knowing that there are people that think about her

want her to get herself better

and wants her to catch up with her future

that keeps passing her.

Just want her know

that there are people that care

and she doesn't have to fight them

in order to let them in.

I would like to thank my friends for inspiring my works...This poem is for a girl who is hiding behind her pain.

Omg. Omg! Omfg!

The greatest thing ever created besides a vibrator, has been text messaging.

The worst thing to ever happen to a relationship is text messaging

My one major flaw with text messaging is peopling thinking that every time is a good time to text. Do not text during a kiss. Do not text while we are trying to get it popping ( unless to warn your roommate). Do not text during a date. And the worst one yet DO NOT TEXT DURING SEX. Understandable that texting has become addictive but sometimes it is not the right time. The only time you should ever pick up a phone during sex is when you want to call 911 after an all nighter because your exhausted. I have never came across a text message so important that it needs to be answered during sex. If you must text during sex then clearly something is not being done right, because you should not be able to grip let alone focus on a cell phone.

My faith

This is a subject I have been struggling with for a while, because I felt as if in order to be down I needed to pick a side. As if all religious groups were at war with each other. But if everyone is loving some higher power, what is the point of choosing which group I represent.

My faith is something I hold dear to me.

It is not something I need anyone trying to depict.

Nor should anyone worry about what I classify myself as.

I will not be defined by my faith, I want to be an individual.

I believe in a higher spirit but I do not need to pick a group.

Decide which group is more worthy than another.

My faith is my own business

whether I want to say I don't believe in God

but I want to listen to gospel

is my own business.

It is not for no one else to pick and choose about.

In the words of Common " why do I have to have religion if I believe in God"

Just accept that all people are not created equal and nor do they think that way.

Me = Her

As your friend I support you

but what you are doing is wrong.

I feel this girls pain

the same pain I tell you I feel

when I found out I wasn't the only girl in his life.

I told you how it broke me

but you were

out there breaking her heart.

Sleeping with her man

So how can I come to you

with my pain

when you are causing

someone else

the same grief.

Graduate

Destiny

Destiny

Destiny

Those are the words that motivate me

Those are the words that make me stay up at 3am to try and finish a paper

Those are the words that prevents me from going out

Destiny

Is the reason I neglect my boyfriend

Destiny

Is the reason I am locked in my room

Destiny

Is the reason that I never have time to call my mother

Destiny can help me gain so much, but at the moment all I am doing is losing....

What will destiny be worth when everyone else is gone?

Knowing your place

In dedication to Ms. Tina Turner

I believe its hard to imagine someone beating me who is not a women. Someone forcing to stay in a role that does not fit me. Someone who is suppose to love me but instead blacks my eye. The whole idea is very unsettling, but yet many women face this problem everyday. How can a women stop herself from becoming effected by violence. How can a women stop a fist from reaching her face when love is her only shield? How can a women stand up to a guy who she thought would protect her? Love is blind but some shit you need to see coming.

The Road

I see the road I wanna go on

And I envision him by my side

but there are issues

that he has caused

that I need to figure out

because neither one of us can go on this path

still holding on to the past

so as I look down this road

will I be able to leave the issues here

and start on the path.

Can trust be built over once destroyed?

Can love be fixed once shattered?

Can I truly forgive?

I am waiting to start on this road but can't seem to drop everything, even when I want to. Wondering how can this possible be fixed?

Or do I need to leave this path alone and just make it a friendly road I usually take?

Jenga

When I was in high school

I dreamed of the perfect person to play jenga with

Then I found him

We carefully put every piece together to ensure that it wouldn't fall.

Once we had to start all over again

but this foundation was much stronger.

For many years we built this masterpiece

piece by piece

obstacle after obstacle.

Five years built on a solid rock.

Until one day

he asked another person to join in our legacy

As she pulled out that last middle piece that was holding the game together

our history started to crumble

piece by piece

every thing we built was shattered.

Didn't take long for him to realize that

I was the better person to play Jenga with him.

As he rapidly put the piece back together

he didn't notice that the foundation had started to fade away.

What was once our legacy

has now became a one person's game.

And I am just the viewer

wondering who is the next player to come our way.

Shattered Tears

I feel like these words will never utter my lips

because he doesn't wanna hear it

says it makes him sick

the thought of keep bringing it up

he says its "old news"

but it seems like that news come with more and more tear drops

every time I thinking about it.

Scared to leave his side

for feelings that I might be replaced.

The same guy I want to hold me and kiss me

done explored the throat of someone else.

Even a year later my eyes still swell from the thought of it.

Every time I see her face hate runs through my mind

hate for the fact that she had some part of me

some part of us

but fuck

us was left back in a draw

every time she entered the room

trying to become me.

And you let her

a commitment of five years

was vanished in two weeks

But yet a year later I am told to get over it

like fuck it

its done

but im still picking years out the garbage

wondering how much longer can I take this pain

Flashing images scares the marriage right out my heart

Fear clouds my head every day

How did I not see that storm coming

but the rain lives inside me

Even a year later

it strolls down my face

when I think about the love that was left to die

on that sudden day.