New Chapter!!

Can’t hate him cause I love him, I wish him happiness but wish it was with me. I can not pick the course that he wishes to travel on but I can love him no matter what. I need to figure out how to get the demons out my life and then worry about moving on. He helped show me a new side of myself, a self I actually respect. I also left a piece of myself because of him that I want to gain back. When I work on myself I hope he is done so we can continue. If he is not I will be grateful to have had the time to love myself and experience what true love is. I will search for love in a different way; sadly I will compare them to him because he showed me a prefect love. But my journey is not ended but beginning, this is just a new chapter of self love and growing self respect while dealing with the suppress demons inside of me.

All I want for Christmas

All I Want is a man in my life who stays, looking for attention in guys who don’t have the last name Hamilton. I have many strong women in my family but time after time the man leave. My father left when I was a toddler and returns each year with false hope, my uncle died when I was growing up, recently my grandfather was taking away. All these men are gone but a little girl is still waiting for someone to come hold her hands.

Never Knew I Need

I hear songs all the time that speaks to me, like I swear they are made for me. But this song has me open, with the recent hills in my relationship it got me thinking. He at the time was something I never knew I needed but he changed me mentally while I changed him physically. He showed me love in a way no one has ever had. I thought he fell victim to my love but it seems like I gained more from it than he did. He made me stronger, he gave me confidence. he showed me that no matter what I did he would be there. When I ran away from our love he was there, when I look else where for affection because we were getting too deep he was there, all the support I needed was in him, I was just to scared to trust. Seems like every time I trust a man they leave, from my dad to Roy. So why was he any different. I finally gave in and found out he was definitely something I needed. Something I craved, something I deserved. He looked at me in a way no one has ever did, he blushed when he saw me, got shy when I came near, and for some reason he couldn't direct the word no my way. He showed me the love I never knew I needed, he was the man I never thought I could have, and he protected me when I didn't know I needed it. He has truly been the best thing I never knew I needed and the worst thing I never realized I had.

Girlfriend Mom

When you try to mode a boy to a man you run the risk of acting like his mother. You are trying so hard to change what he wears and how he acts, so that he is more suitable for you. Along the path of transforming him, you begin to transform yourself because you are stepping into a role that is not suitable for you. Instead of suggesting ideas you demand he acts a particular way, dress a certain way. That doesn't sound like a role of a girlfriend but more of a mother. What ever happen to letting him find his way and just being there to help. When you try to control a person they begin to act out. And they start to fight against you to find their own way and you are stuck in confusion. As the man you "created" becomes the man he was destined to be. You sit there dazed wondering what a girlfriend is suppose to be

What will happen?

Should I say I mean it with love or I mean it from the heart
because you are my heart but you also have all my love
never could I envision loving someone as much as I do you
or even letting someone in who would be able to have the power to hurt me like you do.
We help build one another up
not realizing that if we split
on of us may be broken down
who thought it would be me
the girl who started this relationship
the girl who gave this relationship a chance
is the same girl who fell victim to loving a guy who didn't find himself yet
so our love has to go through the twist and turn
as he finds who he is
but when he discovers it
will we still be together?

Attention

Attention is what he needs
and if I can't give it to him
he finds it else where.
he finds our relationship for filling
but just not fit for a college student.
Not a guy who has been blessed with the recent attention of girls
girls who would not have given him the time or day in high school
Attention is what he demands
as he steps outside his dorm room
making sure he is nothing short of perfection.

Attention is what she wants to give him
but when it fits her schedule.
Attention is something she does not seek
because it brings along false stories that people create because they do not know.
A relationship is what she holds dear because
she knows who has been by her side for years.
Attention from other guys is not something she wants
because he will always been the man in her life.
Attention to details on her clothing
she find time consuming
so she throws on what she wants
and takes time to impress him when she can

Attention is their problem
but only they can be their
resolution.

Precious Lord Take My Hand

Guidance is something I am seeking, not from someone who has not been through my situtation. I find myself keeping a lot of things in because people can give you good advice that they will not follow themselves. So I am stuck in a position where I am not sure who will understand. But this song touched my heart in a way that no other gospel song has done in a while. Maybe the strength I was looking for was in me. I just have to be willing to reach out and take the hand.

Movement

I'm a movement by myself. But I'm a force when we're together. Mami I'm good all by myself. But baby you, you make me better. --> Ne-Yo

Those simple words engraved in my brain a love that is so strong that they ride for each other help each other out of situtations and make them question if they are doing shit right. Now a force like that can not be fucked with can not be damaged broken up or harmed by no women, men or child. When two people are riding in the same direction on the same path, going to the same goal ain't nothing but time can make them change. When they are at a place to change they change together. A love where she knows that can't no other king do what he does for her and he knows aint no other queen can do what she does for him. Now that is the type of love that everyone should aim for

First thing's first, I does what I do. But everything I am, she's my improve. I'm already boss, I'm already fly. But if I'm a star, she is the sky (ahh ahh ahh). And when I feel like I'm on top (she she she). She give me reason to not stop (eh eh eh eh eh). And though I'm hot (too too too). Together we burn it up.

Protector

Protector come protect me
hold me in your arms and tell me everything will be okay
protector please save me
from the pains of the world
protector please guide me into your arms and love me
shelter me from harm and I will shield you from backstabbers
together we are a team
you protect me and I will watch over you
oh protector I have dreamed of you for years
and here you are
protecting me from the pain and turmoil that occurs in the world

Shit

Why people act like their shit don't stink as if they are god's gift to a better future. Everyone is not you therefore everyone is not going to walk in your shoes because face it they are not that good. Some things you do well in others you don't. Things you may think are important others may find it useless to have in their lives. So why judge on how important something should be to someone else. I just don't get where other people can try to control someone's life and even more so. Just live your life and let them go them.

Top/Bottom

I am learning from every choice I make
I know others try to help me out of a situation
but if I don't learn now when will I learn.
Success is what I aim for but
lessons will keep me moving forward.
Whats the point in being at the top
if your soul is at the bottom still learning lessons.

personal issues

Realize I have a personal life with personal thoughts
and you are not always apart of it.
I have a right to shut the world out
and open it when I want to.
But do not believe that I am doing it because of you
I am doing it for me
I am doing it to get a hold of my life.
The greatest therpy for me is to write
but to write alone
where my thoughts can follow easily and I do not have to worry about pleasing a single soul
but my own.
So my personal life goes through its own personal problems

Seems Like part 1

These are for the people who are worried about me, the people who care about me, and the people who I have not had the chance to speak with as of yet:

I think I have lost myself
Have you found her
Seems like I have run away from situation
and it has landed me in a shell.
Seems like I have people worrying about me
when I don't even know who me is
Seems as if I have let my experiences define me
instead of being me
Seems like when people get to know me
I am a different image than what they thought they see
Seems like there are only a few people who truly knows me
Seems like I let haters control me
let haters block me in a corner
Seems like I put a limit on how many times people can fuck me over
and I set the limit at one
Seems like the true me is missing
and the bitch remain
the girl who refuses to let people get close because I know they will fuck up.
Seems like as people search to get to know me
I am still searching to find who is me
And who I want to become

Today, Tomorrow

Today was the first day that I didn't want to tell you that I missed you.
Today was the first day I held my pillow wondering if you would be back.
Last week was the first time you kept a dark secret from me
Last month was the first time I seen a limit to our relationship.
Last year was the first time I ever been betrayed so deeply.
Last year was the first time the tables were turned and you were in control.

Today I want to stand up and say that I will not fall victim to the small talk but I said that last week.
Today I need to find the values of love and evaluate if today, last week, last month, last year will allow me to see tomorrow clearly.
Tomorrow I want to walk with my head high.
But I need to look at the path and pick the right direction.

Interracial Relationship

Anyone that knows me knows how I feel about interracial dating however listening to this song by Kevin Michael has changed my views. I do believe that you can not help who you love. I believe that this is the main reason why people stay with cheaters, abusive and all the above. However, I do still question the people who go out with people because of their race. For example a white women would go after a black men because she hears his dick is big. I believe in love and that is not love you may be in lust with someone because of their dick but I do not know about love. Kevin Michael made me think about everyone who judges relationship that are mixed. Then I started to think how people viewed me since I was a lighter color than anyone in my family. He is definitely changed most of my views I will also have some doubts but I know that from person to person things changed. So there may be some black guy out there who loves white women because they can be easy going but that ddoesn't mean all of them. And with that said here is a piece of the song:

Lesson Learned

A lot of people turn to hate when they think of someone who has done them wrong instead of calling it a lesson learn. I believe Alicia Keys said it best:

I was burned but I called it a lesson learned

Mistake overturned

So I call it a lesson learned

My soul has returned

So I call it a lesson learned

Another lesson learned

Falling down ain't falling down

If you don't cry when you hit the floor

It's called the past cause I'm getting past

And I ain't nothing like I was before

You ought to see me now

I know that pain hurts like hell and no one wants to tell someone that they are forgiven

but why should anyone live their lives with such hate in their heart. I do agree that you can dislike someone but the art of hate is too strong.

I believe that a lesson was learned and now it is your time to grow from it.

Usher's lyrics

Feels like the two major break ups in our relationship, Usher was there. When I broke up with him I broke up with him to an Usher song. When he told me how he was feeling, he used and Usher song. Seems like music really does know what people are thinking because when 'Burn' was my favorite song. I use to cry to 'Burn' because I knew what needed to be done. When he first asked me to listen to ' Whats a man to do' I didnt understand, but once I had a chance to listen for myself it all made sense. Can I blame Usher for our downfalls, nope but Usher helped us nagivate when we needed him his lyrics were there. Telling us we needed to let it burn or telling me whats a man to do when he dont wanna lie but he can't tell the truth. I can simply say #deathto Usher but Usher helped me as it helped him. Just wishing Usher does not come out with another album because all the albums that came out through our relationship has ended in the break up of me and E.

Roy Wrenn

Roy Wrenn where are you

my first true love I can not find, he is actually the reason I found E. E was something different than Roy someone more gentle, someone who seem to care about what I had to say and respect me for who I was. Roy had the power to make me weak, make me know love was real. I remember when I first saw him playing basketball and I told my cousin I liked him. He was 15 years old and I was only 12. I remember like yesterday when he got my number, my cousin had told him I like him and we exchanged numbers, he didn't have a pen so he told me to tell him my number and he would remember it. So one day when I got home from school the phone was ringing and it was him. I was so excited at the fact that he remember. I respected him because he never rushed me to have sex, in fact we had sex a year after we meet. We even had pet names he was kermit and i was Mrs. Piggy (oh how my mother hated that name. but she hated him more) He was one of those bad boys my mom warned me about but I didn't care because I liked him. On the relationship he controlled everything and I was cool with that. Long distance is what killed the relationship him moving to Reading in all, but everytime I hear you got it bad on a radio, I think of him. After not seeing him for 5 years I still wonder where he is and how he is doing. I know I made the right choice in leaving him alone and staying with Evans, but a part of me wants to close that chapter. By telling him how special he was to me and thanking him for being the first person to show me love. Now I have love to give to the man that is special to me. Roy Wrenn where ever you are I still remember the relationship we had and I wih you the very best.

My Savior

I am thrilled to be writing so many times, so many years I have kept all my emotions inside but for once, here I am letting my experiences move my fingers. Let the pains escape me, releasing the things I can not control and understand that certain things are not my fault. And somethings I need to change in order to be a better person. And so I write, but I write without names as a way to show my respect but the thoughts of you still live through my words. I write I write I express I live and I learn, I do not have time to regret the words that have touched this blog because then that would be me, pausing my thoughts and changing my mind. And in this blog I can not change my mind but rather speak my mind. Realizing that everypne is not going to like everything I say but I will say everything I need to say and understand that I have a write to LET SHIT GO. I have a right to be mad but once my words are posted on this blog I need to let it go, because pain like that does not need to live inside me. But rather help someone else to release what is inside them. I want people to help from my words as I do. I understand that I may mess up on words but once I start changing one word then my blog becomes a carefully put thought thought and not the true essence of what I was feeling. This blog has changed me. In the 4 weeks I had this blog I have opened up to so many things in my life. And I have not even begin to review my past, but I will write and blog and see to it that my thoughts leave my mind and enter this blog.

Sand

The realist shit I ever wrote:

"Don't let something you want slip around

But don't hold on to something that needs to slip away"

Think

Please eat your words, before you speak your words.

People love to talk when they got nobody, ever wonder why your always alone

time to realize that there is not something wrong with everyone you come across

there is just something wrong with you, some people just deal with it

but people who are always about themselves end up by themselves

wondering why they always so damn lonely

because nobody wants to hear about you 24/7

people have the hardest time thinking about others.

I mean think about your life

think about how many people have gone and come

how many relationships in the trash

and how everyone else is to blame but you

sorry but everyone can't be wrong

maybe its time for a blame game.

When the world comes crashing down who do you have

when hate is a big part of people's life

hate turns around and ends your life.

make room for others

so when you need someone they are there

life is not something that can be lived alone.

May 2010

This program has started to bring me a lot of motivation and it has barely gotten off the ground. When you start to help someone else you are really helping yourself. At the first meeting to see the freshmen engage and carrying to the lessons we were saying really warms my heart. I guess knowing that there is a future beyond this facebook fighting, sleeping around, getting drunk all the time and just skipping class motivates me. Shows me that I can be better because I am helping someone else become better. I do not want to limit anyone's experience on campus but I want to remind them what they came here for. I guess the most truthfully shit me said to them was the were 100% of freshmen in 2006 >by 2007 there were 75%>by 2008 there were 50% and in fall 2010 there will still be 25% remaining. I will be the stats that leave this campus on time and with no excuse. I had my share of verbals fights but I never let it get physical, I have never been pissy drunk and you know what on May 15 2010 I will be walking across that stage. Accepting what I earned by doing what I came here to do.

Suitcase

" I am ready to go, I am all packed up"

Seems like I have locked my secrets inside of me

ain't no way anyone going to learn this much about me.

No i never been hurt that deep

But I sure don't wanna be.

Be a victim of my deepest insecurities.

Having someone feel sorry for me

I made it thus far

without someone taking pity on me.

So please don't have no girl talk with me

telling me

I can change, That I can open up

because you actually don't know me

Don't know what I been through

So You can't possible know what makes you

ME

Fight

I fight

I fight

and you contiune to back up.

So once you have become back into a corner

you turn to fight me.

When we should have been fighting together.

Your fighting me while I am fighting for us

But neither one of us are winning

and neither one of us are ready to give up

to stop and had in the gloves.

There is no one to break it up

just someone being broke down

not understanding why

after so long we are not fighting together.

Instead we are both fighting for the futures we want

he is fighting for the chance to be free

while I am fighting for my fairy tale.

Both of us is still feeling the rope around us

holding us together

maybe we need to stop fighting our dreams

and let reality be the image that is currenting in front of us.

As people change so does their future

But some how their drive remains the same

so they fight

taking turns fighting together

and fighting for themselves.

IDK

Ever felt backed into a wall by words you can't stay
Just wanted to express your opinion
But feared getting yelled at.
Has tried to always be understanding but is always wrong
The best thing you think you can do is say nothing.
But blank words never helped a situation grow.
But what do you do
Do you face the yells or
Let the situation remain as is?

I am a Woman

What makes me weak? My fears
What makes me whole? My God.
What keeps me standing? My faith.
What makes me compassionate? My selflessness.
What makes me honest? My integrity.
What sustains my mind? My quest for knowledge.
What teaches me all lessons? My mistakes.
What lift's my head high? My pride, Not arrogance.

What if I can't go on? Not an option.
What makes me victorious? My courage to climb.
What makes me competent? My confidence.
What makes me sensual? My insatiable essence.
What makes me beautiful? My everything.
What makes me a woman? My heart.
Who says I need love? I do.
What empowers me? My God & Me.

Who am I?


I AM A WOMAN!