confuse

I wanna kiss your forehead and tell you that I dream about you at night
but my confessions about how much i love you may be splatter by a cold heart
a heart that still beats for me but can't warm up to me
Tell me when you look in my eyes you don't melt.
First thing you wanna do is kiss me
because it feels right
saying I love you feels right
you can imagine the future and see it as a mistake
but the present is something you still want to risk
never seen someone so cold hearted and loving at the same time
push me away so you can deny how much you love me
but keep me close enough so that i wouldn't forget you

Untitled

Im waiting for him to come In and kiss my neck
But there are too many miles between us
No one ever told me waking up without him would be so hard
Its been two weeks since I last watched you sleep
The smell of your scent no longer lingers in my sheets
I try and remember your smile
Your touch as you caress my face
But the days are adding up
And memories don’t live like people do
These 100 miles between us are driving me insane
At night I dream of a warm kiss to the forehead
From your thick mocha brown lips
But all I get is an illusion
I mark down my calendar hoping today will be the day
That my eyes will split and you will be there sleeping next to me
But the closes I get
Is wearing the t-shirt you sprayed with your cologne
To bed
holding the bear you gave me
Praying every time I kissed it you felt it on your body.
Two people that connect like jigsaw puzzle pieces
Can’t seem to piece together while their nights are so lonely
I listen to you fall asleep
As all the dust in my room come together
To form the outline of your body
I would walk the hundred miles
Everyday if I meant I would see your face.
I would do anything
To eliminate these miles between us
So that we may cuddle at night
This bed was made for two
But only one lonely heart seems to fill it
I will count down the days
Till my sleeping prince is laying next to me
Holding me
Protecting me
And loving me
Again

Inspired by Colored Girls

I write

I carve

I write

I carve

Do you see my artwork?

The physical message of a pen can not always be written sometimes it has to be craved

I mean I crave

I crave it into my skin as if it was the pages of my notebook

I flip through different chapters of my life

Marking it into my skin like landmarks

I say I fell

But the knife fell into my skin so that my blood can be released like pain

I don’t feel the pain

I feel stories unfolding

Like crippled pieces of paper in a garbage

My massacre is being released

You feel sorry for me

But I feel free

My arms shows the marks

Of my history

Don’t tell me I should not have dignity

If only you knew what was done to me

You would help me

write

carve

Do you see my artwork?

Hating or speaking the truth

Ain't no hope in this youth
we run after famous people like beggers asking for change
We don't have no shame
we can't trying get one leg up at a time in the world
but we never realizing we sinking
until we look at our resume and
see that it has no accomplishment

LaLa Land

As he is entering into dream land I am lost in reality. 
wondering where the love in my palm went. 
wondering how dumb was I to think that if he loved me he would put a bring on it. 
No instead he put an invisible leash on my heart and walked out on it. 
My heart skips a beat every time there is a tug on my leash. 
Every time there is a kiss on my lips or his soft mocha brown hands caressing my body. 
But then he turns the channel again because my station is once again boring. 
He comes around like the sun just to rotate my axis but does not realize that I am 
the planet his sun revolves around. 
I need someone around 365 days of a year. 
I'm not no Easter holiday love. 
You only wanna love me whenever CVS put out the 
Easter baskets. 
Then you tug at my heart and tell me that I am your favorite 
candy for this season. 
I want you year around so I don't mind being camouflage 
and fade into your background until its time for me to reappear. 
The idea of having you once in a while beats not having you at all. 
A little girl gave her heart to a young boy who turned into a grown man, 
who molested her for her love and left. 
Leaving this invisible leash around my heart. 
And every time he yell in his smooth barrow tone voice "come her girl" I go running. 
He ain't the only one sleeping. 
I'm awake and dreaming. 
Keep pressing the snooze button hoping I 
could just get fifteen more minutes left out of this dream before the sleeping 
pills I took to make me think this love will last forever wear off.

Simple two fingers that waves goodbye

Nothing to say to the girl whose heart u always break. Nothing to say to the

Only person who is constantly in ur life.
Nothing to say to the girl u Dodge
because its not ok to love her.
Nothing to say to the girl you said you could
marry.
Nothing to say to the heart u helped build but
love to break.
Nothing to say to the girl you use like a towel.
Nothing to say to the girl that is good
enough to fuck but not love.
Nothing to say to the girl you ignored in public
but love to fuck in private.
No need to say you ain't mean to do it this time
because last time you gave that same excuse.
No need for you to speak of us as a
couple because you walked out on me a couple times so I finally got the hint.
Nothing you say can redeem my heart from the comma you put it in.
Nothing to say
to me.
Because all the bullshit you done to me over these years have left me
with one conclusion.
DEUCES 

Porn Star

You think you know somebody when the idea of sex ruins their minds. 
Seems like the uncountable karma sutra positions that have been master in our bed are not
enough. 
You want a never changing porno star that can shape shift. 
You see what went on besides close doors were suppose to be enough to please you. Those porn
are stop, rewind, repeated and duplicate. 
But our love making wasn't wishful thinking it was great fucking. 
But the fucking wasn't good enough because I couldn't change mask every time I got on top of you. 
Asking myself what can I do. Could I tilt my neck back far enough to take him all in? 
Could I invite a friend would that make him love me again? 
Could I break my joints so that my leg could bend back far enough so he could literally break my back? 
Ain't nothing left for me to do because porn ruin my relationship before it started. 
watching porn since seven means he is on partner number 300. 
But really he is on two and that ain't good enough because he has no one else to compare me to. 
Seems like the Guy that wanted a porn star got one. 
But I have to take a number until he ready to retire from the business. 
My job was to please him whether he wanted me to ride, suck or bend over and touch the floor. 
His job was suppose to be to love me but instead he was considered with getting his numbers up when I have
always been his number one porn star. And please to admit it because I ride him
for him. I mean I rode him for him.

Little girl

I have never been that special girl
though i do not seek attention getting it once or twice would be nice.
I have never been that girl that people go out their way for.
I have never been that girl where people just automatically love.
I have been blessed with a personality that piss people off
But that's something I have to deal with
live with
love it or hate myself because of it
Never been that girl special enough for a surprise just that girl good enough to get an ear full of lies
then you ask me why its hard to trust
trust i gave faith a chance
but it turned around and spit in my face like raindrops
Don't tell me my sun will arise
I will have a son that will arise
before i reap my benefits out of life.
Feel like I walk into the dollar store and pick of that mystery bag
that mystery bag that says girl or boy but nobody every knows whats inside of it
you see I got a pile of shit
been having men inside me since I was an adolescent
you think that's a coincidence
while I was suppose to be playing with barbies
I was hiding my breast from the men in my family so that they could stop offering me a friendly hug.
The one thing I can't be honest about is my past
because once my veins open up the flow of guilt will succeed
now you feel pity for me
because I had to grow up fast
wearing short dresses to attract the attention of men
because I thought that was the thing to do
now you tell im rude
i have a tough girl mentality because being a child wasn't an option for me
so attention I sometimes seek because the little girl is lost within me

Beginning to my future

Been away from the one thing that brings me escape....

and now I have returned like moses
to part the seas of my lips
and allow poetry to flow through it
allow stories to flow through it
heartbreak
any pain this pain
I feel
I use to fight myself daily because I had no outlet
allowing others to be my cane
then wonder why I can't walk without them.
I was the chosen one
chosen enough to bare children and be called a women
but I let my shit flow like a man not giving a damn who sees
all these invisible lines on my body
looks like track marks because im the feen.
Too scared to open my eyes and admit I was done wrong
Shit been wrong
where the fuck I been in lala land
somewhere off smiling while my soul is crying
praying for a day of that
my lips will let my sorrow escape
will here it it.

Your predetermined life

I read about love
but that shit aint real
who you know is happy
single mothers rule the world where im from
and dads are the faster niggers on the tracks
aint no real love here... sorry mary you gotta keep search
only time i see love is on tv
only time i read about happily ever after is in books
and you see they dont even carry those shits in the library anymore
time to get that image out our youths head
girl you better bend over and back that ass up if you want "love"
niggas don't like personality
and aint no dude want no chick in school, who gonna correct them
nope the sooner you open your legs
the sooner you can complete the cycle.
you have been destined to fail since you came out the worm
if you aint willing to fight you gonna end up on welfare, with 4 kids and 3 baby daddies
your dreams may not be accepted but
at least dream for yourself.

Different ways of I love you

You can say it in any language but the fact of the matter is

I LOVE YOU

though sometimes I may hate you

S'agapo

Though those three simple words can not explain the space you take up in my heart

Je t'aime

Even though in the past I may have ran from the affection that you tried to offer me

Wo ie ni

Your name has forever be imprinted on my heart because

Ik hou van jou
Aloha wau ia 'oe
I LOVE YOU

I statements

Not this again
Am I really that bad?

No

Well shit I guess I am not that good.

I need to be put in a group i can understand
when people try to spare your feelings
they want to use "I" statements
as if they are the ones that are getting down played
No I am the reason that this keeps happening
Don't tell me its you best your the one doing it.
Its like the great big bald eagle
came to shit on my parade.
Then you want to tell me that it wasn't my fault
If I was a student who got kicked out of school
who fault would it be

mine

No matter how great you want to make me feel
after making me feel bad
the truth of the matter is
there is something wrong with me
for blaming myself
every time you can't make up your mind
Next time give me the full statement
Tell me I am the reason
that we are back in this dilemma again
and I need to change because it is clashing with you
and I will kindly thank you for your honesty and say
fuck you

The maze of life

Run run little girl
but she fines herself running into a trap
she feels like a mouse in a maze
everyone telling her to keep going
but none telling her which way to go
you have people in one corner places bets at how far she will get
the other corner is crying because she keeps making mistakes
but every time she asks for help outside the maze
everyone tells her that this is her life
and she must choose which path is best for her
who ever said a maze wasnt life is wrong
we choose to play with creatures
and consider it past time
but all we are doing is passing time on our life.
Her maze isnt complete but she has stop taking the long way around ever corner
isn't of stopping at a dead in
she breaks through it and makes her own path

Camp Life

Where is my place?
I am at a job that can help my career.
But it doesn't come with the staff I want
Is this all a lesson that i am suppose to learn
What is a girl to do when she no long comes first in her life?
This job has taking away from my sanity and is just forcing me to live
not live as myself but just live in this world in order to survive.
I want to be men again, I worked so hard to accomplish myself
to feel proud of myself
and now one job has put me in an envirnoment
where I don't know where I am

ALONE

Here is the test you either past or fail
but do you ever past but still feel as if you failed. Well that is how i feel at the moment.
I feel like at times I have set my bar so high that my happiness can never be reached.

I notice that I like to be alone
because happiness isn't always something that was meant for me.
I fight myself but I never win.
Seems like I have still never define my soul therefore at times i do not know who I am

Things don't come easy for me
at times i sit and wonder do I deserve this.
What is my destiny because at times I feel that I will be miserable because
thats how i feel when I am alone.

Alone is what I feel
I feel like no one really knows me
even the people that is closes to me,
I feel like they don't try hard enough to get to know me

Alone is what I feel, even in a crowded room its just me ALONE

Look Up

Look up
Look up
its hard for a girl to raise her head
because she doesn't know how to walk with pride
she is afraid when she looks up
her father's fist will knock her right back down

Girls are scared to Look up these days
because their futures don't look bright.
They have to deal with
people at home who don't love them
people at school who don't understand them
people who just wanna bullying them.

Look up sweetie
Look up
its not easy to tell a girl it will get better
because you don't know that
no one knows her struggles
no one can protect her from her family

But can anyone be there to shine some light in her life?

Why do you perm your hair?

There is no place for a natural girl in a perm world

I remember my ex boyfriend asking me

Why do you perm your hair?

Idk, its just something black people do.

Its cold
Its white
It burns but
when its rinsed
I look a new born Puerto Rician Girl
You see thats what my type of women strive for
the feeling of knowing that the teeth on my comb will not break as I part it
The natural girl don't have to worry about their hair breaking off
because they colored it
I do
talk about making sure I have the best shampoo and conditioner
I make sure my hair is well greased
or my split ends will become apart of my outfit
all this work for Beauty??
All this work so that my hair will be easier to maintain
seem like I have to go through a longer process when my hair is permed
So now I ask myself

Why Do I perm my Hair?

She will love me

I need her because she will love me
I need her because she will never leave me
see you don't understand how hard it is to find love
love that will stick around
even though you may be using me
I am using you too
because she is all I want
all I desire
I can show her what to do in life
Me being young doesn't mean anything
I have all this love inside of me
I been waiting for 16 years to share it with someone
so why not her
she will love me
you wait and see
she will complete me
call me whatever you want
but she is who I desire
in 9 months I will have her.
Finally someone to love me....

What a big girl feels

Eeww look at that girl
What the hell is she wearing
She should not be having that on
Just because they make it in your size does not mean you should wear it.

You see comments like those about a big girl, I feel are directed to me as well.

NO No Fantashia that girl does not know how to wear her weight, you wear yours nicely.

So I am guessing on an off day these are the comments that I would have to watch out for as well. Seems like no one is concerned with how big girls feel. Seems like the main person pointing the finger is as big as the next girls. Funny that everyone wants to past judgment when no one was made perfect. Just because insecurities are not as visible does not mean you can judge. Seems like people want to put big girls on blast for everything. They cover up they wrong, they wear to little clothes they wrong. People want to point out a big girl's shape but that shit don't go away over night. Just how people with big foreheads have to deal with things so does big girls. Would you want someone to point out your forehead every time they see you. Understand big girls get heat from everyone try just letting shorty rock just this one time. It might make her day.

Which one?

What do you do when something you help built has become so casual. You don't
even recognize the friendship that is over taking the romance. You tried to put
the love back into it but u can't do it alone. You can't love alone and you
can't romanticism yourself and you can't bring it back to life yourself. Where did
the trying go. Where is the feeling of being proud to have me as a girlfriend.
Seems the idea of being close to me makes him nausea. Lets not mention the PDA
that is just forbidden. Don't do it, try n hold hands ends in a fake itch just
to have his hand released. Seems like the next convo that will happen is well I
think we should just be friends. Ummm what should be said to that when you see
it coming because the only romance that occurs is rough sex.... what about a
kiss, a hug any gesture of love. ... I say no to friends but what else do we got

Don't be selfish some relationship long to have the friendship you'll have.
The feeling of knowing that someone has you back that someone will be there for
you when you need them. Some relationship revolve only around themselves.
But yours has communication, understanding. Its just a shame that the communication
can not come full circle. Why can't both relationship be created as one strong movement.
Does the perfect relationship exist or are people fighting for a balance between love and friendship.

love reality/fantasy

Reality: I force you to love me

You have to stick with me no matter what

I will stalk you until you commit to me

I will consume your life

DO YOU HEAR ME I WILL MAKE YOU LOVE ME?

Fantasy: you cant make no one love you

They have to do it on their own

If you force love then it wouldn’t be real

Will you be happy with that?

Seems like people don’t know the difference between fantasy and reality so they think what they are doing is write instead of understand that everything wouldn’t go their way in life. Somethings are not meant to be and when you try to make them be it does not have the same value.

Letter to the women

Me: I do not understand how a woman can open her body to so many men. 10 people at the age of 21 should ONLY amount of fingers on your hands. Call me old fashion but if a woman was made to consistently open her legs jeans would be made with a snap on compartment for easy access. I do not understand people who have sex because it is something to do. STD, STI, HIV, AIDS are not just something to do…

Others: But I wore a rubber

Me: What exactly is a rubber protecting you from? Do you know the person long enough to believe that the rubber is safe? These are not the questions we ask before someone climbs into our bed. Countless babies died from abortion each day because women are treating abortions like birth control. EVERY MAN CAN’T BE TRUSTED. AND EVERY MAN SHOULD NOT BE FUCKED. We as women need to protect our bodies from the alarming numbers. If women are using their toes to count the number of sexual partners then something needs to be evaluated. I understand shit happens but shit doesn’t just happen with ten guys. Have you no character, have you no pride. Ask yourself if you could tell your mom the number of man you been with? Some of these women beat their own mother’s numbers. I am not meaning this to be judgmental. But causal sex….sure, but if your having causal sex with multiple people when will it stop if your only 21.

Others: You don’t understand

Me: I do not mean to offend you but take better care of your body. Would you tell your husband that you have to count on your toes just to get your numbers straight? I am a bigger build in only having one life to live… but live it safely. Just because you meet a guy don’t mean you have to have sex with him. If he can’t wait then he aint interested in the real you.

We as women have to protect ourselves because no one else will.

Friends like the water

Today I went to the beach and it got me thinking… I want friends that are like water

People who will rush to my side like waves when I need them

Someone who will wash away any scars that others have tried to put on me.

Atleast if they are like water I know that I can stand alone but when I need them they will be there to help me put my feet in the sand and get the job done.

I like dependable friends but not friends that overshadow me with their problems. I think it is cool for friends to have secrets about their own personal lives but I would never want friends that will stab you in the back. I try to keep friends that are focus on a goal instead of focus on drama. Everyone is not destined to do things with their lives, silver spoons are not granted everyday in the hood, but I like when my friends try.

I hate friends that settle for things they don’t want just because they don’t want to be without. I hate friends that claim they are something that they aren’t. If your broke be broke, don’t lie for the public because the public don’t give two shits about you. I hate friends that act like they like people when all they do is talk about them.

I am on a journey to find myself each day but while I am walking along the sand I can’t try and find who my friend is also.

People need to learn to better themselves instead of being mad when people tell them about themselves. If enough people are saying the same then everyone can’t be wrong.

Just be like the water be able to take change, be able to transform what everyone gives you and make yourself better. Just like if people are giving you garbage when your tides come in bring the garbage to the shores. Everything is not meant to hurt you, sometimes you have to take what people give you and use it. Life is a lesson but people think it is an eternity of try and fail. But never have succeeded yet. Be like the water and conquer something other than trash.